Hey guys, data sheets are due by the end of this week! WHEEEEEEE! I know what you're thinking, "OMG I ONLY HAVE THREE PAGES IM GONNA FAIL SCHOOL AND NEVER MAKE IT INTO COLLEGE AND MS SERENSKY'S DISAPPROVING FACE WILL HAUNT MY DREAMS FOR ETERNITY!!!" Fear not, I have prepared a handy guide for writing the greatest data sheet of all time in one easy, step-by-step manual:
1.Calm down, you did not need to yell, typing in all capital letters has a negative connotation anywhere and will encourage other internet users to look down on you.
2.Do you have a girlfriend? Boyfriend? Significant other? Not anymore! Explain to your better-half that you've been needing some space and maybe you two should see other people (Please do not explain that "other people" means a twenty-page paper, this tends to dull the emotional impact and makes for simply awful rumors about your moral character). Now that you have freed yourself from that ball-and-chain, meet your new beloved: Mr/Mrs. Data Sheet! For the next few days you two will be inseparable, and you'll learn all of the various pros and cons of dating a school assignment (Pros include the inability to quack but it cannot make a sandwich to save its life).
3. Apply same techniques to family, friends, pets, and various other clingy people who take up too much of your time with their stupid "needs" and "appetites", they'll understand that you only leave your room to attend school and to hunt for food
4.Befriend Jhumpa Lahiri - I know this might sound hard at first, but you have at least two days to visit her in Brooklyn and earn her respect and literary knowledge on her own works. I would suggest blackmail, but I can't actually do that legally... so I'm going to explain to you that telling Jhumpa Lahiri to write your data sheet or her two children (Octavio and Noor...nice names) will have a tragic being-pushed-into-the-polar-bear-exhibit accident is SUPER ILLEGAL and I would NEVER suggest it.
5.Befriend Ms. Serensky - This might actually be impossible, just ask a certain Mr. Donley (DEAR JOURNAL) but it's worth a shot.
6.And finally, just finish it. This isn't our first data sheet so we know how to do well and honestly, we're all gonna complete it (some of us may spend more time typing anti-data sheet facebook statuses than others, but it will still get done).
7.You're welcome
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